The reality is...gummy bears
Maria Beatty
Action of the play: Two men sweep an empty stage.
Characters
Big Al from Cleveland: a jaded older man who has given up the fight. Young Xavier from Zanesville: an idealistic, head strong young man.
Setting
An empty stage with perhaps a ladder on wheels in the background.
Time
Limbo.
LIGHTS UP
Al and Xavier, both in workman overalls, sweep the empty stage with long- handled push brooms. Throughout the entire play they push their brooms back and forth across the stage in opposite directions. They stop now and then and lean on their brooms as they chat. Xavier is sweeping with great zeal.
AL
Well, you’ve certainly got a bee in your bonnet.
XAVIER
No, I don’t, besides I’ve heard that all the bees are dead.
AL
Oh, you’re not going to start up all that non…
V/O OVER SPEAKER
Clean up on Aisle 64.
AL
Good, god, glad it’s not my turn. All that plastic.
XAVIER
I envy you, Big Al.
AL
Envy. You know, that’s one of the seven deadly sins.
XAVIER
Why are they called deadly?
AL
Because they’re the mortal sins.
XAVIER
You mean they’re mortal because mortals commit them?
AL
No, a mortal sin means you go to hell immediately.
XAVIER
Huh, so no heaven possibilities?
AL
Yep, can’t get to heaven.
XAVIER
Do you believe in heaven?
AL
Nah… Not any more… (pause)
XAVIER
I don’t like really “envy” … “envy” … you. I just mean it’s that you push the broom with such determination. You always do such a great job. To be real envy, doesn’t it have to be something important? Like your car? Or your vacation trip to Hawaii? Or your wife?
AL
The last one probably falls under lust.
V/O OVER SPEAKER
Clean up on Aisle 81.
AL
Glad I’m not on that shift. It involves so much water.
XAVIER
The cleanup I really hate is on Aisle 42. All that stinky air.
AL
I’m not sure the traditional deadly sins apply anymore. What is envy anyway? Have you seen People Magazine? We’re supposed to envy celebrities. But also they are supposed to be just like us. Carry out the garbage in their sweatpants, take their kids to Disneyland, but, oh, by the way, they live in a mansion with three swimming pools and drive their Mercedes to their yacht. And what about gluttony? Now, all we do is go to the gym and argue over who gets to go next on the treadmill or elliptical machine. Not me, obviously, but you know, in general…
XAVIER
What are the other deadlies?
AL
Well, like I said, you got your envy, lust, gluttony…
XAVIER
greed…
AL
Well, greed’s still applicable. But now we use high fangled phrases like accumulating excessive wealth, destroying the middle class, economic inequality… instead of plain old “he’s a greedy sonofabitch.”
XAVIER
That makes four....
AL
Then there’s wrath… the uncontrolled feelings of anger and hatred.
XAVIER
Like road rage or when someone beats you to a parking place?
AL
Yeah, but it often reveals itself in the wish for vengeance… injury, violence, and hate that provokes revenge and feuds…
XAVIER
Yeah, like forget that turn the other cheek stuff.
AL
Yeah, it’s the Greek Idea of revenge. Not an eye for an eye, but a head for an eye.
XAVIER
That seems extreme…
AL
Then you have your sloth… It’s kind of a tricky one. Hard to pin down exactly. The Catholics kind of got their knickers in a twist over that one.
XAVIER
Sort of like the talking snake thing…
AL
That’s a totally different issue… As I was saying, sloth is a failure to do things that one should do, but in the old days it meant that this laziness was a symptom of the vice of apathy…
XAVIER
What’s apathy?
AL
Indifference… by that they meant ’cause you’re bored with God…
XAVIER
Jeez…
AL
Forget it. Now it just means you’re a lazy bastard who watches TV all day.
XAVIER
Or doesn’t clean up his room. How come you know all this, big Al?
AL
I take great Pride in knowing a lot of shit. And that’s the seventh… pride…
XAVIER
You must be the dumbest, smart person in the world. How come you’re here pushing a broom?
AL
And you must be the dumbest, dumb person in the world…working here at your age.
XAVIER
Hey, it’s only a summer job. My parents made me take it. Get a taste of the real world… “Son, you need to move from idealism to pragmatism.”
AL
I’m only a week from retirement. I’m just gotta keep my head down and tip toe away quietly.
XAVIER
Let me ask you, do you regret the choices you’ve made? You regret the past, Big Al?
AL
I am not haunted by the past, but by the future.
XAVIER
Hey, Big Al, what do you think the seven deadly sins are now?
AL
Oh, there’s a lot of contenders: drug dealing, drug use, violating fundamental human rights.
XAVIER
What about genetic manipulation?
AL
Doesn’t count. Deadly sins are immoral acts resulting from character flaws.
V/O OVER SPEAKER
Clean up in Aisle 56.
XAVIER
What do you think that is?
AL
I don’t know, but I’m sure it involved an oil spill. Could be bears caught in a sticky oil spill… gummy bears… get it?
XAVIER
That’s not funny.
ALSo, what’s the deadliest sin for you?
XAVIER
I’d have to go with global warming…
AL
Global warming isn’t a sin… sins are the actions that are causing it… lust for power… sloth in not wanting to bother to learn new behaviors to stop it…
XAVIER
But mainly greed… greed intersects with all the issues surrounding global warming…
AL
Yep, a real shit show left for you kids…
XAVIER
And everyone keeps saying: The fact of the matter is…
AL
How can there be the fact of the matter if there is no fact?
XAVIER
And, all the time, you hear the phrase… “the reality is…”
AL
That’s because there is no shared reality…
XAVIER
Yeah, reality is whatever you want it to be…
AL
And everybody just lies… reality is whatever you say it is…
(Pause as they continue sweeping)
XAVIER
Always wanted to ask… How come they call you Big Al from Cleveland? You born in Cleveland?
AL
Nope. Never been there.
XAVIER
I don’t get it.
AL
Well, the reality is… I’m from Chicago. See how it works?
XAVIER
I’m Young Xavier from Zanesville because I’m young and my name is Xavier and I’m from Zanesville.
AL
Yeah, for now… But no one’s ever heard of Zanesville. Somewhere along the line you’ll say St. Louis… then Los Angeles… And as for Xavier… it’ll become Zak… then Bill…
V/O OVER SPEAKER
Clean up on aisle 67
AL
Oh, shit, radioactive waste. I hate that one.
XAVIER
You ever been assigned to that one?
AL
Nope.
(Pause as they continue sweeping)
XAVIER
I’m thinking of joining the Rights of Nature Movement.
AL
Oh, come on, natures got no rights. It is just property.
XAVIER
Not so. I believe in the legal rights of nature to naturally evolve.
AL
You kids. What’ll you think of next?
XAVIER
It’s never too late.
AL
Not true, it is often much too late.
XAVIER
Not true, it is just more often than not, too late.
AL
You need to find a different difference.
XAVIER
You mean I could make a difference?
AL
Is environmental pollution the current number one deadly sin for you?
XAVIER
Yeah, but is there still time to do anything about it? What day is it?
AL
For you, judgment day.
XAVIER
It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursday.
AL
All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.
XAVIER
Is it now? Is it now?
AL
Yes. But a stitch in time saves nine.
XAVIER
Do you think it’s too late?
AL
Time will tell. Time always tells.
THE END
LIGHTS OUT
Characters
Big Al from Cleveland: a jaded older man who has given up the fight. Young Xavier from Zanesville: an idealistic, head strong young man.
Setting
An empty stage with perhaps a ladder on wheels in the background.
Time
Limbo.
LIGHTS UP
Al and Xavier, both in workman overalls, sweep the empty stage with long- handled push brooms. Throughout the entire play they push their brooms back and forth across the stage in opposite directions. They stop now and then and lean on their brooms as they chat. Xavier is sweeping with great zeal.
AL
Well, you’ve certainly got a bee in your bonnet.
XAVIER
No, I don’t, besides I’ve heard that all the bees are dead.
AL
Oh, you’re not going to start up all that non…
V/O OVER SPEAKER
Clean up on Aisle 64.
AL
Good, god, glad it’s not my turn. All that plastic.
XAVIER
I envy you, Big Al.
AL
Envy. You know, that’s one of the seven deadly sins.
XAVIER
Why are they called deadly?
AL
Because they’re the mortal sins.
XAVIER
You mean they’re mortal because mortals commit them?
AL
No, a mortal sin means you go to hell immediately.
XAVIER
Huh, so no heaven possibilities?
AL
Yep, can’t get to heaven.
XAVIER
Do you believe in heaven?
AL
Nah… Not any more… (pause)
XAVIER
I don’t like really “envy” … “envy” … you. I just mean it’s that you push the broom with such determination. You always do such a great job. To be real envy, doesn’t it have to be something important? Like your car? Or your vacation trip to Hawaii? Or your wife?
AL
The last one probably falls under lust.
V/O OVER SPEAKER
Clean up on Aisle 81.
AL
Glad I’m not on that shift. It involves so much water.
XAVIER
The cleanup I really hate is on Aisle 42. All that stinky air.
AL
I’m not sure the traditional deadly sins apply anymore. What is envy anyway? Have you seen People Magazine? We’re supposed to envy celebrities. But also they are supposed to be just like us. Carry out the garbage in their sweatpants, take their kids to Disneyland, but, oh, by the way, they live in a mansion with three swimming pools and drive their Mercedes to their yacht. And what about gluttony? Now, all we do is go to the gym and argue over who gets to go next on the treadmill or elliptical machine. Not me, obviously, but you know, in general…
XAVIER
What are the other deadlies?
AL
Well, like I said, you got your envy, lust, gluttony…
XAVIER
greed…
AL
Well, greed’s still applicable. But now we use high fangled phrases like accumulating excessive wealth, destroying the middle class, economic inequality… instead of plain old “he’s a greedy sonofabitch.”
XAVIER
That makes four....
AL
Then there’s wrath… the uncontrolled feelings of anger and hatred.
XAVIER
Like road rage or when someone beats you to a parking place?
AL
Yeah, but it often reveals itself in the wish for vengeance… injury, violence, and hate that provokes revenge and feuds…
XAVIER
Yeah, like forget that turn the other cheek stuff.
AL
Yeah, it’s the Greek Idea of revenge. Not an eye for an eye, but a head for an eye.
XAVIER
That seems extreme…
AL
Then you have your sloth… It’s kind of a tricky one. Hard to pin down exactly. The Catholics kind of got their knickers in a twist over that one.
XAVIER
Sort of like the talking snake thing…
AL
That’s a totally different issue… As I was saying, sloth is a failure to do things that one should do, but in the old days it meant that this laziness was a symptom of the vice of apathy…
XAVIER
What’s apathy?
AL
Indifference… by that they meant ’cause you’re bored with God…
XAVIER
Jeez…
AL
Forget it. Now it just means you’re a lazy bastard who watches TV all day.
XAVIER
Or doesn’t clean up his room. How come you know all this, big Al?
AL
I take great Pride in knowing a lot of shit. And that’s the seventh… pride…
XAVIER
You must be the dumbest, smart person in the world. How come you’re here pushing a broom?
AL
And you must be the dumbest, dumb person in the world…working here at your age.
XAVIER
Hey, it’s only a summer job. My parents made me take it. Get a taste of the real world… “Son, you need to move from idealism to pragmatism.”
AL
I’m only a week from retirement. I’m just gotta keep my head down and tip toe away quietly.
XAVIER
Let me ask you, do you regret the choices you’ve made? You regret the past, Big Al?
AL
I am not haunted by the past, but by the future.
XAVIER
Hey, Big Al, what do you think the seven deadly sins are now?
AL
Oh, there’s a lot of contenders: drug dealing, drug use, violating fundamental human rights.
XAVIER
What about genetic manipulation?
AL
Doesn’t count. Deadly sins are immoral acts resulting from character flaws.
V/O OVER SPEAKER
Clean up in Aisle 56.
XAVIER
What do you think that is?
AL
I don’t know, but I’m sure it involved an oil spill. Could be bears caught in a sticky oil spill… gummy bears… get it?
XAVIER
That’s not funny.
ALSo, what’s the deadliest sin for you?
XAVIER
I’d have to go with global warming…
AL
Global warming isn’t a sin… sins are the actions that are causing it… lust for power… sloth in not wanting to bother to learn new behaviors to stop it…
XAVIER
But mainly greed… greed intersects with all the issues surrounding global warming…
AL
Yep, a real shit show left for you kids…
XAVIER
And everyone keeps saying: The fact of the matter is…
AL
How can there be the fact of the matter if there is no fact?
XAVIER
And, all the time, you hear the phrase… “the reality is…”
AL
That’s because there is no shared reality…
XAVIER
Yeah, reality is whatever you want it to be…
AL
And everybody just lies… reality is whatever you say it is…
(Pause as they continue sweeping)
XAVIER
Always wanted to ask… How come they call you Big Al from Cleveland? You born in Cleveland?
AL
Nope. Never been there.
XAVIER
I don’t get it.
AL
Well, the reality is… I’m from Chicago. See how it works?
XAVIER
I’m Young Xavier from Zanesville because I’m young and my name is Xavier and I’m from Zanesville.
AL
Yeah, for now… But no one’s ever heard of Zanesville. Somewhere along the line you’ll say St. Louis… then Los Angeles… And as for Xavier… it’ll become Zak… then Bill…
V/O OVER SPEAKER
Clean up on aisle 67
AL
Oh, shit, radioactive waste. I hate that one.
XAVIER
You ever been assigned to that one?
AL
Nope.
(Pause as they continue sweeping)
XAVIER
I’m thinking of joining the Rights of Nature Movement.
AL
Oh, come on, natures got no rights. It is just property.
XAVIER
Not so. I believe in the legal rights of nature to naturally evolve.
AL
You kids. What’ll you think of next?
XAVIER
It’s never too late.
AL
Not true, it is often much too late.
XAVIER
Not true, it is just more often than not, too late.
AL
You need to find a different difference.
XAVIER
You mean I could make a difference?
AL
Is environmental pollution the current number one deadly sin for you?
XAVIER
Yeah, but is there still time to do anything about it? What day is it?
AL
For you, judgment day.
XAVIER
It must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursday.
AL
All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.
XAVIER
Is it now? Is it now?
AL
Yes. But a stitch in time saves nine.
XAVIER
Do you think it’s too late?
AL
Time will tell. Time always tells.
THE END
LIGHTS OUT
_____________________________________
What inspired you to create this work?
I wanted to write a play about climate change but everything I tried came up too "preachy" (read boring) so I went back to my tried and true style: Theatre of the Absurd with a hint of Vaudeville skit.
Tell us about the creation process including any obstacles overcome or surprises.
In this piece all I had to go on was my writer's "voice" and my own quirky sense of humor and ignore the many playwriting basics such as character arc, conflict, obstacles, or character goals and just stand on my own.
Maria is just biding her time, zooming with three writing groups, as she waits for the return of live theatre.